


In The Corner Of My Vision

by mantisbelle



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Paranoia, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 18:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14062632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mantisbelle/pseuds/mantisbelle
Summary: North hasn't slept in days. He's not paranoid, or hallucinating, he tells himself. He's safe.





	In The Corner Of My Vision

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ConfessionForAnotherTime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/gifts).



> Based on an RVB Angst War Prompt from ConfessionForAnotherTime: North knows the Meta is coming.
> 
> Thank you for the prompt! I had a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy the story.

It’s yet another night spent up too late at night. It’s glaringly obvious and incredibly frustrating. It’s been a problem for some time, but North tries to ignore it. He tries to ignore the way that his eyes hurt and his bones ache, how he feels constantly heavy and broken-down. The exhaustion has settled over him too easily, too harshly. If he can't sleep because of one thing, something else makes it happen. Either it's worry- for his family, for his friends; or nightmares, or Theta.    
  
Far, far too many nights it's Theta keeping him up.    
  
Thankfully, it isn't one of those nights. Instead of him staying up because of the secondhand anxiety that he’s gotten because of the AI, Theta's chosen to stay up with him to try and comfort him.    
  
"Hey, North?" Theta asks him, sitting on his shoulder and swinging his little holographic legs. "Why are you still up? I thought we were supposed to go to sleep before eleven.”     
  
"Just can't sleep, buddy." North says, glancing over at his sister's spot. They've put together a lean-to for the night, like their dad had taught them on one camping trip too many. It’s not at all the best arrangement that they could have, but it does the trick. South is slumbering away comfortably, not worried about anything by the looks of things. Even through it all, since they got away from the program, South seems to be doing fine. "That's all."    
  
"Oh." Theta looks down, dejected. "Can we go walk?"    
  
"Not tonight, Theta." North frowns and wraps his arms around his knees. Staying in the middle of nowhere isn't great. They're going to be passing through a more developed area in a day or two, but for now they're in the middle of nowhere. "We don't want to wander too far out here."    
  
"Why?" Theta asks. "Is there something out there?"    
  
North thinks back to what he'd heard about and seen when the Mother of Invention had gone down. Violent red blood that had landed on the snow. Carolina, gone. Maine turned into something… other than himself. Only looking to harm for his own gain. Attacking Carolina in the same way that it had been claimed that Tex had taken Wyoming's.    
  
It leaves North feeling  _ wrong _ , like there's a target painted on his back. If it doesn't come from Freelancer, it came from that. He wasn't the only one either. Somewhere out there his best friend is out there too, with the same problem. The only thing was that York probably wasn't getting worked up about it. York was probably more concerned with  _ mourning _ or  _ denial. _ North wishes that he could take that luxury.    
  
"I don't think so." North says, but can't help grimacing. Something hits him in the arm, a pinecone tumbling away from him. He doesn’t have to look to know where it had come from.    
  
"Go the  _ fuck  _ to sleep." South snarls at him, very annoyed and  _ very  _ tired.    
  
North takes a breath. "There’s nothing out there, Theta. She's right. I should sleep."    
  
"That’s what I said. But okay." Theta replies before going offline. North takes a breath and lays down in the little bed that he's laid out for himself. It's too short, but that doesn't matter much. He just needs to be able to  _ try _ .    
  
In the end, North goes yet another night without sleep. 

It marks three nights in a row.

* * *

"The fuck are we even doing out here?" South asks, managing to toe a line between disinterest and frustration all at once. North has his trackers on and his rifle in his hands, just in case. Theta's in the back of his head, hard at work on a new projection, since he isn’t needed for the moment. It's how he keeps himself calm, North knows. Like York flicking his lighter or fidgeting with a pen, or Delta running statistics, or Carolina grinding away on the training room floor.   
  
"You know the answer to that question." North replies, holding his head up high and scanning the area. Out of the corner of his eye, he thinks that he sees _something_. Like a shadow that moved wrong, or something. He goes rigid and turns, stopping dead in his tracks. "We're just trying to-"   
  
South stops just in front of him, turning to watch him carefully. North knows the expression that’s on her face behind her visor by heart. "What's your problem?"   
  
"I just… thought I saw something." North replies, feeling something terrible settle in his stomach. Nerves that he isn't going to be able to just ignore. He checks his trackers and gets nothing. It was probably just a bird. "Don't worry about it. It’s probably nothing."   
  
"More like you haven't been sleeping and you're getting paranoid." South gestures, waving him forward in one easy motion. North swallows and falls into place at her side. "Again." He can’t miss the bite in her tone.   
  
"That's probably it." North frowns behind his helmet, but at least feels a little bit safer with it on. It's one less thing to make him worry. "I don't think it was anything."   
  
South gives him a look that is somewhere between judging, sympathetic, and angry. It's a familiar look that he's soon too many times before. "Just keep your shit together, North." She goes back to leading the two of them. “I don’t want to carry you.”   
  
North checks his trackers one more time. There's still nothing. "I'll do my best."   
  
‘ _North?_ ’ Theta asks him silently, the way that he tends to when they're around South. _‘Did you see something?_ ’  
  
‘ _I wish I could tell you.’_ North tells Theta, swallowing hard and gripping his rifle just a little tighter, like it's some sort of twisted teddy bear. ‘ _I’m not really sure.’_  
  
Theta goes quiet, but that doesn't stop North from checking his trackers every couple seconds.   
  
It's just sleep deprivation making him nervous, North tells himself, but he doesn't feel like he can really trust it. He forces himself forward after South. She hasn't led him astray yet. He needs her. 

* * *

By what feels like some sort of miracle, North and South found an abandoned building to squat in for a night. The choice to set a fire in the middle of it on the concrete floor was one that North had fought hard since all he could think of was  _ disaster _ , but he was tired. In the end, he hadn't felt like continuing the argument when he was already ready to drop and uneasy.    
  
They're out of armor for the first time in a while. South's leaning towards the fire, poking at it with a stick, shifting the wood first and then checking the little tinfoil wrapped package of food that North put together for their dinner. It’s nothing special- mostly just repurposed rations. It doesn’t matter because it’s at least food. 

South looks across at him and shakes her head, looking back to the fire and her work. 

North wishes that he could be at a point where that felt somehow  _ offensive. _ But it isn’t.    
  
The truth is that this is the way that too many nights have been. He and South just don't talk much anymore- family be damned. Most of the time North ends up talking to Theta in his head, but that's not the same as getting to talk in person. Theta's family, but not the same way that South is. Nobody’s family like South is, not even their parents. They’re twins. It’s different.    
  
North blinks, exhausted. He wants to lie down and rest, but the nervousness that has been been clinging to him hasn't left yet. It's been like this for days. No matter what he does or where he goes, he can't help but feel like he's being  _ watched,  _ or like there’s something hiding in the corners of his vision. It's made sleeping hell, not to mention just about everything else. His first days in communal showers in boot camp don't even compare.   
  
"Should be ready soon." South says, dully. "Then we can go to bed."    
  
"Right." North swallows hard. "Sounds good."    
  
"Hear anything from the others?" South asks, and North can't help but jerk back a little bit. She's never really asked him about their friends from Freelancer. Since they'd made it off of Sidewinder, it had felt like there was no reason for it.    
  
"No." North mumbles. "I haven't."    
  
"Right." South pokes at the little tinfoil packets again. They're using one of their dad's recipes from when they would go camping as kids. It almost feels like a family trip, minus the barf bags and their parents scolding the two of them. Down to the slightest detail. "I'm going out for a minute." She gets up and stretches, passing the stick off to him.    
  
North takes it and just watches the fire and the cooking packet. South goes out and once she's gone, Theta pops up by his armor.    
  
"Hey." Theta greets him.    
  
"Hey, Theta." North picks his head up and looks up at the AI. "Something going on?"    
  
"Something came up on the trackers."    
  
North blinks, sleepy. He takes a breath and rubs at his eyes, but finds no relief. "What was it?"    
  
"I don't know." Theta admits. "I couldn't tell. It didn't make much sense. It was only there for a second."    
  
North nods. "Thanks for letting me know, Theta." He takes a breath and leans back against the wall behind him. "Can you put out a ping and see if you can find any signals that might be important?"    
  
"Uh, I guess I can try." Theta replies. He looks uneasy though, his little projection sitting down cross-legged like a kid in class. "I don't think I'm going to find anyone though."    
  
"We’ll never know unless we try." North says quietly. It should feel reassuring, but it just… doesn’t.    
  
"Okay." Theta looks down at his feet, radiating nervousness. "I'll let you know if I find something." He pauses, his head picking up. "It's been twenty five minutes. Your food should be done."    
  
"Thanks, Theta." North pushes off of the wall and reaches into the fire carefully, using the stick to nudge the packets of food out of the fire and get it over to him. He sets it down beside the fire, just to make sure that it's cooled before he opens it up to check if it's really done.    
  
South will want to eat once she gets in anyways. The least he can do is make sure that it's good.    
  
North picks his head up and turns a little bit, putting his ear in the direction of the window and listening. He thinks he can hear South talking, but can't quite make it out. "Theta?"    
  
"Yeah?"    
  
"Anything on the motion trackers?"    
  
"No." Theta blinks for a second, his projection cutting out before reappearing by the door. "Just South. Oh! And I think a bird. I think it's a pigeon."    
  
"Alright." North swallows and opens up the packet of food. He pokes around inside, the meat looks like it's about cooked, along with the mix of vegetables and fruit that they'd managed to collect together. His stomach growls, and while North wants to be the first to get something to eat, he waits. South was the one that wanted dinner then anyways.    
  
Once dinner was over, he'd try to sleep. Maybe if he was lucky he'd be able to actually rest for a night. If that could happen, he'd at least feel less anxious. It's just the lack of sleep, North tells himself.    
  
That's all that it is. 

* * *

 

North goes out into the cold air of the night, not bothering to put on his armor first. Theta's already sleeping and that's a relief. South's inside asleep too. He stares out at the landscape in front of him, unable to feel like he's actually as alone as he is.   
  
From among the buildings, North hears something. It sounds like a familiar growl, but it _can't_ be. It could be anything, the whine of an engine or animals getting into fights. Not Maine, probably not. It couldn't be.   
  
Still, the wave of nervousness rushes over him as he remembers again. Carolina had gone over a cliff and her blood on the snow had been all was left of her. North swallows hard and cups his hand over his AI port. It’s a protective measure, but if he came across Maine it wouldn’t offer any real protection.   
  
There still hasn't been a response from the ping that Theta put out. It doesn't make North feel any better, not when his trackers seem to be on the fritz and he’s anxious and seeing things on top of that. South doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. North hasn't found the way to bring up his worries just yet.   
  
He has a feeling that when he tries, he'll be brushed off for it. That's not a feeling that he wants to have.   
  
He thinks that he hears that growl again. It makes his heart drop into his stomach. Instead of focusing on it, North turns to go back inside.   
  
He's afraid, and once again doesn't manage to get to sleep. 

* * *

"Hey, North?" Theta pops up in one of the moments where they're alone. South’s wandered off so that she could do a perimeter check, leaving North and Theta on their own to stand guard for a minute while they waited. It’s almost akin to downtime, even if that wasn’t truly the case.   
  
"What is it, Theta?"    
  
"Trackers."    
  
In the past few days, the trackers discussion has come up so many times that they're past specifying. It's not worth the effort. "What is it this time?"    
  
"Another disappearing thing." Theta tells him, projection flickering out before reappearing by his shoulder. His head bobs as he talks, looking down at the ground. "I couldn't get a good signal on it, though. It still doesn’t make any sense."    
  
"Thanks for trying, Theta." North watches the area around him, looking out for South. "Do you think you could run a diagnostic on the trackering unit?" He swallows. "We've been getting a lot of strange stuff from it, it could be something wrong on the technical end. It’s possible something got broken when the ship crashed."    
  
"Give me a minute." Theta flickers out and North takes a deep breath. It's just going to come back as an error, he tells himself. The math he's been doing in his head when Theta is offline hasn't been encouraging. The conclusion he's reached is one he's damn afraid of.    
  
North  _ needs  _ to tell his sister and he knows it. He knows it in his bones, his soul. He should probably talk to Theta about it too. Maybe if he did he'd be able to get some sleep and he could start feeling a little bit less paranoid. He shakes his head and looks out at the area. South is just doing her patrol, and when she gets back they'll move on. 

Just like always.

A shiver runs down his spine, that feeling that he's being watched coming up too prominently once more.    
  
"Everything's working fine." Theta pops up again, and North can't help but notice that he's not acting quite like himself either. There are no little fireworks when he pops up, no joy or cheerfulness like there had been during the days when they were still on the Mother of Invention. Maybe his exhaustion is starting to rub off on Theta. North sincerely hopes not. "The tracker should be working properly."    
  
North nods, and sees South come back into view. "Nothing out there." She says with a shrug. "Unless you want to know about birds and rats. I'm pretty sure I saw a possum with a half a pizza if you’re hungry."    
  
"No thanks." North says, putting on the most playful tone that he can possibly manage. "We should get going."    
  
"Sure should." South takes the lead, and North follows after, unable to stop himself from looking at his trackers every couple of seconds.   
  
He needs to tell them.    
  
He can't.

* * *

"North?" Theta asks in the middle of yet another night where the two of them are both stuck awake. This time North isn't the only one that wasn't able to sleep. Theta's anxiety is radiating through both of them, mixing with North's to create something that's much,  _ much  _ worse. North rubs at his arms idly, trying to make himself feel less like he’s vibrating but it doesn’t help. Nothing helps.    
  
"Yeah, Theta?"    
  
"You would tell me if something was wrong, right?" Theta swings his arms at his side. "I know that you and I agreed that I wasn't allowed to look around in your head without permission."    
  
"Of course I would tell you," North says, forcing on the most convincing smile that he can manage. "We're family."    
  
"I know." Theta tells him, looking down at his little feet. "I'm just scared."    
  
"Me too." North looks back at the building where South is sleeping behind him. He needs to check in on her soon too. For both of their sakes. "I promise, everything is okay."    
  
The lie is the single most bitter thing he's ever said. Him saying it to Theta is what makes it so scary. Theta is  _ made  _ of trust, trust incarnate. No matter what, North knows that Theta is going to believe him and that's  _ horrible _ . It’s also the only thing he can really do to protect Theta, and that makes it worse.    
  
The thing that makes it so bad is knowing that Theta has already put everything together for himself. North just can’t break the illusion for either of them. 

"I'm going to try and sleep." North says, taking a deep breath.    
  
"Do you want me to go offline?"    
  
"It could help." North mumbles, and just like that he feels Theta retreat to the corner of his mind. He goes back in to see South, asleep and curled up on her side, still in the undersuit of her armor.    
  
North lies down beside her and watches her sleep.    
  
In the morning the two of them will be able to talk, North tells himself.    
  
Somehow, and he's not quite sure how, for the first time in what feels like months, North manages to sleep.

* * *

"Get the fuck up." South demands, already halfway into her armor and looking very annoyed. North has no idea how long she’s been awake and he  _ really _ doesn’t want to find out. If it’s been more than an hour, her mood is probably already shot for the day. "We need to get going."    
  
North picks his head up from where it's resting on his arm. The morning light is too bright, deeply uncomfortable and impossible to ignore. It hurts his eyes, and Theta is thankfully still asleep.    
  
"Something happen?" North asks, pushing himself upright. He rubs at his eyes, trying to make him feel a little less groggy, not that it would help when he’s been so tired for so long.    
  
"This place just gives me the creeps." South explains. "And I want to get the hell out of here. Which means that you need to get your shit together and  _ get the fuck up _ ."    
  
"You're right." North pushes himself up to his feet and stretches. The sleep makes him feel a little bit more clear, but not by much. If he could, he would sleep for another week. But if that isn't an option, then it isn't an option. "I'm getting up."    
  
"Good." South stretches. "Because you're taking the lead today."    
  
"Alright." North answers, picking up the first piece of his armor and pulling it on and into place. "If you insist."

He takes his time and dresses himself though, grabbing his rifle and taking just a second to check that his implant site is in good shape before finally putting on his helmet and leaving.    
  
The prickling feeling on the back of his neck is just an imagined illusion, North has to remind himself even as he begins to set his trackers. Everything is going to be fine, he just has to take the lead for the day and keep a cool head. If he starts feeling too nervous, he can just talk to Theta.    
  
The two of them walk for hours, North unable to concentrate on what his sister is talking about or much of anything other than trackers.    
  
He hears the growl again and stops dead in his tracks. "Do you hear that?"    
  
"The hell is your problem?" South asks him, shouldering past him roughly and continuing on the way forward. "I didn't hear shit."    
  
North swallows. This is his chance, he just has to-    
  
He takes a breath. "I can't help feeling like something is wrong." North explains, taking a step in towards his sister and clutching his rifle too tightly. "There have been things that are weird... Things showing up on my trackers and growling sounds and-"    
  
"What?" South rolls her eyes. "You think fucking Maine’s after you?"    
  
"I don't know." North replies, feeling like he needs to close in on himself or run and hide. Being out in the open like this has him antsy. "Theta ran diagnostics on my tracking unit, and I just..."    
  
He thinks he hears it again and his head jerks. " _ Please _ tell me you heard it that time."    
  
South scoffs and pushes past him once more. "I liked you better when you weren't fucking nuts, baby brother."    
  
North wants to say something in protest, but can't find the words He just looks back over his shoulder and when he thinks he sees a shimmer, North can only bring himself to pray that it's not what he thinks it is. 

It doesn’t help. 

* * *

Hours later, North kneels on a cliff alone, checking the horizon with the scope on his rifle. South picked up some sort of weird transmission and is doing her best to follow it for both of their sakes. That means that it's his job to stand guard, since he's apparently hallucinating so much that he can't be trusted to do much of anything anymore.    
  
He hasn't been hallucinating. North  _ knows _ it, down deep in his bones. He knows it the way he knows that South gets angrier when she's nervous, and the way that he knows that Theta is hiding because he's scared too. The ping that he put out days before is still something they haven't talked about.    
  
North has no illusions that he doesn't know why.    
  
Through the scope of his rifle, he sees nothing but trees and the occasional speck of concrete.    
  
Nothing, for miles upon miles.    
  
"North?" Theta asks him, his projection deciding to appear by North's shoulder and still without his old fanfare.    
  
"Yeah, Theta?" North replies, blinking and sitting up properly now, resting the butt of his rifle on his knee and letting the barrel point up towards the sky. He doesn't feel safe, but if he isn't staring down a scope he can at least focus on the world in his peripheral.    
  
"I love you."    
  
North blinks. It was certainly coming out of nowhere. "Is there any reason you're bringing this up?" It's not good. He already knows. He can't hide this from Theta anymore, and Theta needs him to have his shit together. South needs it too, but not like Theta does. Without him there  _ is  _ no Theta. South is strong, she can do things on her own. Without him, Theta is nothing. Just a computer chip.    
  
"You said that we were family." Theta answers, his projection sitting down on North’s shoulder in one easy motion. "I miss my brothers."    
  
"I'm sorry." North whispers to Theta. "You know I love you too, Theta."    
  
"I know." Theta looks up at him, and for a moment, North can almost see a face in his head. Freckled cheeks and gapped toothed smile, with dark hair that looks like it's scintillating purple and blue. "Thank you, North."    
  
"Thank you?" North asks, feeling calmer than he has in a long while. "What's that supposed to mean?"   
  
"I love you." Theta repeats and flickers out, zipping back along North's mind before disappearing in the way that tells North that he's gone offline. 

North feels alone. Horribly alone. Like he’s never been more alone in his life, even though he knows that isn’t the case. Theta is still there with him, just quiet for the moment. 

Behind him, North hears a too-distinctive growl, and he  _ knows _ . 

He barely manages to turn the entire way before realizing that his only option was to  _ fight.  _

Standing there, tall and focused was Maine, The Meta,  _ whatever  _ he was now. The one person that North had ever known that managed to be taller than he was. The one person that North never wanted to fight in close combat alone. 

“South!” He screams for his sister, falling back as much as he can so that he can get some space. Before he gets that far, The Meta lunges at him and North wishes for Theta. Theta could help him and do the math needed to get a chance at winning. 

It wouldn’t matter. No matter what, North is in bad shape and he isn’t any good at hand to hand. 

Instead of getting help, North hears a gunshot and the immediate strike of pain that shoots up his spine, and much further than that. When he tries to move, he finds he can’t make his legs move quite right. Like there’s a blockage.

The last thing he gets a good look at before The Meta tears the implants out of his head is his sister. The last thing he hears or thinks is a voice that isn’t his own. 

Theta whispers to him among the chaos three words that feel more than meaningless.

_ I love you _ .

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments and criticism are greatly appreciated.
> 
> [I'm on tumblr. Sometimes stuff happens. I'm always willing to take new prompts and questions there!](http://tyrian-callows.tumblr.com/)


End file.
